My name is Keith, I have malignant peritoneal mesothelioma, a very rare and under research cancer in my abdominal cavity. I live in Los Angeles, but the best treatment that I could find for this disease is from Dr Robert Taub at Colubmia Pres.Hospital. I was diagnosed in April, I will be in NYC by July 27th for my first of two major abdominal surgeries.

Tuesday 7/13/99 words words words
I am anxious to say the least about beginning treatment. The longer I wait, the more times I tell people about the kind of cancer that I have. The medical community as a whole has a fatalistic view of mesothelioma. I can only hope that by getting the most agressive tretment possible that I will have the best chance of survival. My doctors tell me that I have a good chance of prolonged life. I am 40 years old and healthy (cancer not withstanding). Every time I hear myself saying "mesothelioma is not curable" I feel confused and fearful. I am doing a specific kind of meditation to best be prepared for the upcoming events. Meditation is very helpful, by allowing the meditator a chance to listen to the ongoing discursive thoughts that we usually block out with all sorts of distractions and daily activities. I am coming to terms with death. There is something very calming in the idea that I am doing something so very basic, so human.

Wednesday 7/14/99
This morning I took my dog Greta to the kennel. She didn't like seeing me leave. I'm glad that I found a place for her to stay. The kennel is a last resort. No one I asked wanted to look after my year old pit bull. Every one thinks that they're dangerous. I think that the dangerous ones are the people. Those are the one that can't be trusted. I went to my last Wellness Community meeting in LA for a while tonight. When I arrived I found out that one of the women in my group is back in the hospital with a very serios intestinal block. She's in a big hmo hospital. I have a very low opinion of hmo hospitals. She's had a lot of trouble getting them to treat her illness there. She has ovarian cancer that has gotten out of control, no chemo is working. She is all set to start a new trial. Pray for her. Her name is Jennifer.

7/15/99
Today is thursday. Anne's company, a company that laid me off at the beginning of this year threw us a party. Lots of sandwiches and chicken. They gave us gifts and an envelope stuffed with money. I'm still amazed at how I try to keep people away from me in the midst of them showing that they love and care for me. We are very blessed. I called the kennel to see how Greta, my pit bull is adapting to kennel life. They say that she's still a little nervous but she's eating. That news is so good to hear. Anything that keeps a one year old pit bull from eating must be some pretty bad doggy problems. I miss that dog already. I talked to Jenny, my sister today. Growing up in my house was not much fun. My grandmother was a falling down alcoholic, (of course I was NEVER gonna be like her)...oops, there's that never word..my mother was a lying on the couch depressed single mother overwhelmed by grief and the responsibility of raising two children. We didn't talk to each other much, let alone touch. Jenny turned out OK, and so did I, after a few bumps on the way. Jenny is going to watch the house while we're gone. That's a relief. I was worried about our place becoming a party house for squatters. The list of things that need to be changed just keeps getting longer.

7/16/99
It's friday. Today I shut off the utilities in my house. The woman at the Department of Water and Power was very helpful. I'm still amazed when people are kind and helpful. I gave keys to several meter reading type people, and paid my bill before they were overdue. I'm doing things the way the "normal" people do them. I must be getting older. Maybe that's why they're kind to me, I'm not trying to run a scam on them. Why ask why?.....

I talked to Jennifer yesterday, she's in the hospital for a bowel blockage. She has ovarian cancer. The hospital is an hmo place, but they seem to be trying to help her anyway. She started on chemotherapy yesterday. Her doctors think that chemotherapy might help her blockage go down. Jennifer has been on morphine for 5 days. She sounded pretty good yesterday. I will go to visit before I leave. My abdomen is hurting more the last few days, and I have daily diarrhea. I hope that the trip to the east will be swift and painless.... Today was Anne's last day at work. They were driving her crazy anyway....

7/17/99
Woke today at 10:30 in the morning. Last night Anne and I both took a muscle relaxer to try to stop shoulder pain. We are both having the same pains. I hope that Anne doesn't get the pain I'm gonna have next week.. We finished editing a home video to send to Anne's mum in Oslo. She wants us to document the trip across USA and send her tapes to watch. I'm really looking forward to getting out of California. We'll make some beautiful movies together.. Today my abdominal pain is getting my attention, more diarrhea and cramps. We ate our last breakfast on Saturday in LA this morning. I had a burger.
I got a couple of books to read, Bukowski's "Ham on Rye" and Burrough's "Naked Lunch". I wanted to find some of Walt Kelley's classic "Pogo" comics, but none could be found. I guess I'll have to wait for the good things in life...

8/2/99
West Greenwich Village, New York
Hello diary. I'm sitting in Gilda's Club using the club's monster PC to send this message to you. Alas, my dear old faithful companion, Centris 650 just couldn't make the trip we us. We left California Monday, July 19th at around 10:00 am, heading eastward towards the rising sun. The drive out of Los Angeles was slow, but without any problems, other than the terrible heat. We brought Bree, our cat-in-a-box, sedated with kitty thorazine, in the back seat. She settled down after a few hundred miles. We stopped in Barstow to post some mail and it was there that I had my first experience with cat-on-a-leash. Bree was not actually interested in being led anywhere by the neck, so we mostly sat in the shade, conversing with each other and passers-by, with Bree doing most of the talking. We made Flagstaff Monday night, and is was there that I was finally able to acknowlege that I was in pain and felt like I was going to explode, my gut filled with fluid from all those little tumors that make up mesothelioma.
We drove accross the USA in 4-1/2 days landing in the garden state of New Jersey in the afternoon, along with everyone else, all of us stopping one by one at the turnpike toll exit. We were very happy to check into our hotel room, Bree being the happiest I think, and were delighted to sleep in our own place for the first time ever. Since the very beginning of our relationship, we have been living together between two homes about 8 miles apart, so the Radisson Hotel is the first time we have lived together.
Anne did a wonderful job of arranging and placing our things so as to make our hotel room feel like home.....
On Sunday, MOM arrived, my mother and we were ready to go into battle.
Monday morning, we all went to the hospital, Columbia Presbytarian Medical Center, to ask what was to happen next. During the trip across country, I had called to ask when I was to begin pre-op tests and so forth, leaving a message. We never did get a call back, so I was rather annoyed by Monday morning. It turned out that my oncologist's nurse had tried to call me back but somehow was not able to get through. There you have it...........