sometime in 2000 Diana. Now I don't quite know how this will end up, but I have decided to tell you all about this bloody tumour.

where to start is the question.from August cause that's when it all started to happen for me? nah a bit too long winded, just the recent events, sounds better to me, I have to tell you before I start that I now know that I will probably freak myself out,I did the other night when I wrote a simular letter to John, as you know I am keeping a journal,I can frighten myself doing that and I write that journal every night, the last two nights I have really struggled with it, but I put that down to now having the knowledge that the operation is only a few days away, two things there, 1] I hate hospitals with passion that I struggle to understand and I am the one doing the hating. 2] I don't look forward to the operation as I have been told some of the down sides and possible mishaps that could occur and I'll list them later. I think that I'll explain this the same way that I explained to John, only this time I'll check for spelling and written mistakes.you could say that I made quite a few in the letter to John.

When this tumour was first discovered I was basically given three options they were:- 1) Do nothing and let nature take it's course. 2) have and operation called a Radical nephrectomy, complete removal of the kidney] 3) have another operation labelled a T.C.C. partial nephrectomy.

Option 1 I at first elected to take the first option, I had some sort of romantic thoughts that as the life expectancy given was 24 to 30 months, sounded OK to me, I have had a full rich varied and interesting life and I realise that none of us are going to get out of this life without dying at some stage or the other,I have done and seen more than most, I have been involved in all sorts of mischief and fun, loved more than my fare share of women, and have possibly only two regrets and things that I would change in my life,and cause I know that you'll ask me the changes would be, one not to let Sue get away from me and to have my own child,Sue I have loved as you know and I will always do so,that I made her pregnant and that she aborted the baby I can understand on one hand and cry for on the other. any way that's the two changes,I harboured romantic notions of quietly coming over to visit you, staying a while and then returning to Australia to also quietly slip away to a beautiful place to spend my last days on this earth, I have to say that I have no fear of dying, I have certain beliefs that sort of give me comfort and strength, and no I will not lecture or explain,it's enough just for you to know that, the only thing that actually worried me was the thought of spending those last few days on my own and with really no record of me being here, that's when I discovered the Library and their interest in my Journals, god that encouraged me even more and the romance blossomed to dizzy heights, then it was down to earth time, a huge reality check and get a grip of your self time.

My doctor's name is TENG, I've labelled him the good doctor teng or GDT for short, now the GDT has a few people working for him and after the initial shock of having cancer announced to me, ( and the GDT explaining a few options all of which I was rejecting as I had this romantic notion in place and was comfortable with it) the GDT had one of his offsiders take me into a consulting room and really explain a few things to me, Now your brother has been, at some time or another, stabbed, beaten up, chased with bad intent, been in three civil wars, sunk, half drowned, starving, badly hurt and injured, and other interesting things happen to me, none of these things has really scared me, oh I'm not making light of these things but for some unexplained reason I have always known that I would come through, and I have, If the GDT was out to scare the crap out of me and bring me back to reality, guess what? he bloodywell succeeded, I had the following described to me, and even before I write this I am cringing, yes Diana it scared me and still does. this sucker inside me will eat my kidney, it will then attack my liver,spleen and spine,I will become crippled and unable to walk or stand-up,I will loose my eyesight as most of my nervous system will be also crippled by the attack on my spinal cord, it will also attack my lungs, as I will have no kidney function my lungs will be filling up with liquid and I will also therefore be drowning, the pain factor will also be life threatening as the brain could finally be insulted and refuse to accept any more and decide to just shut down, there was more but that will give you a fair picture of what my romantic notion had in store for me, by this time I was a fucking gibbering mess, and I still refused to have the operation until I had sufficient time to digest this new information, I left the hospital that day and Diana, if it was self pity that I cried for you hit the nail right on the centre of the head, I sat in the Daihatsu and cried and cried and cried, I was fucking scared, lonely and no where to run,I didn't want to die like that or alone, and so I cried some more (,just as I am crying right now while I am writing this) it scares the shit out of me. I would sooner die being shot in some stupid war or defending some cause, this stuff is degrading. this was the day that I finally decided to tell you, I didn't want to and I didn't know how to tell you, you are my sister and I was frighten, scared and some how wanted to tell you with out doing all that scary stuff to you,I must have sat looking at that phone for over two hours not knowing what to say to you,and yes Diana I did cry after I spoke to you, but the strangest thing happened, you said to me that"every thing will be OK cause your sister said it would" and that made me feel good, I have to take a break, I am crying because you couldn't have said a more wonderful thing to me.

Option 2 The Radical nephrectomy, I don't even consider this to be an option, it is an option of none consideration,to have this means that I will be stuck to a hospital for the rest of my life as it means a dialysis machine, in other words say I were to live for say 6 more years, 3 of those years would be spent in hospital, so I really didn't even have to think about it, it , for me just wasn't going to happen, I would have sooner gone out purchased some illicit drugs and just overdosed, no I wouldn't but the thought did pass through, I would never commit suicide my beliefs denying that as an option,the truth of the matter is ,that is what may end up happening, if something goes wrong in option 3.

Option 3 This is what I go For. GDT mentioned a couple of times this partial nephrectomy or T.C.C. now being a non medical person and not having taken any courses in Doctor speak, I just assumed that this was a normal option, anyway in my own way I kept asking a few minor questions, but they must have been the right questions to ask,finally the GDT sent me off to Brisbane to talk to Doctor Nichols, that was last Weds15.Nov.now DrNich was a pleasant enough chap and we chatted away, making allowances for a long telephone conversation he had with some other Dr,and he explained a few things to me and it slowly dawned upon me that what was being suggested to me was a really radical operation, the first year it was performed 4 times , (this is the number that GDT had mentioned and I thought 4 times in Australia or Brisbane) and this years total was 15 times, this sort of puts me into star turn status, I always wanted to make the top 20, any way we chatted some more and then he dictated a letter whilst I was present to GDT saying all these doctor speak things and asking to be kept right up to date with progress and also mentioned that 2 Drs in Sydney would like to be contacted with info of possible attendance etc, well now perhaps I could sell tickets and make a few bob on the side, so to speak,Dr Nich asked me to take my X-rays back to Ipswich with me, well I had to go and make an appointment to see GDT and get the op on the way, by this time I was fully committed in my brain all that I needed to do was see GDT and arrange to get things started, so off to Ipswich gave a doctor my X-Rays and asked him to giver them to GDT, then I went to reception to make a booking/appointment, HAH!!!

talk about poking a stick into an ants nest, I had nurses scurrying, P.A.Systems calling me and Doctors waving arms and legs all trying to locate me, no more waiting room waits, ho no strait into the office to see the GDT, the man was practically going to kiss me and this time I understood, it explained his more than apparent frustration the last couple of visits where I barely mentioned a G'day,forms were being filled, registrars called up, theatre nurses and sisters contacted, radiation Doctors being called, jeez it was all go, and get Richard to sign this form, all I ask for was a Doctors cert for my Employer for time off work, I should have asked for land rights to Ipswich and a colour TV, how many certificates do you want? chuckle, GDT was going to get me on the op table if it were the last thing he did, if I had agreed he would have slapped me in there and then, god he was excited,.any way enough of the thrill that I was giving him. let me explain the operation the way that I see it and understand.

The Operation.

The GDT is going to cut a hole through my right hand back down through the kidney and come at the tumour from the side attached to the kidney or from the inside, he then is going to perform a partial nephrectomy whilst at the same time removing the tumour, by cutting off part of my kidney he is hoping to remove any cancer cells around the area where the tumour is situated, he is hoping to then leave me sufficient kidney, as mine is rather large any way, to be able to then live a reasonably normal life, the operation is done in stages, don't ask me why, on the First op (5th Dec) the hole is dug and a tube or lining for the hole is inserted, down the incision some radiated chemicals are placed and the GDT makes his first appearance and starts to hack away, the second part takes place a few days later (12th.Dec) some more chemo is done then the doc finishes what he started,hopefully, a few days later (19thDec) checks are made and if required, further surgical procedures are carried out. we are still not home, the tube, from what I understand will be left in me, there are a few tests and such that I have to do for roughly two years prior to them saying "get the heck outa here you healthy bum", as accidents do happen to all of this is a down side, if something goes wrong there will be no chance to withdraw and start again, that means a Radical Nephrectomy, goodbye freedom , goodbye Kidney, also other items of interest, accident list, rupture bowel.spleen, contusion of the spine, rupture to the liver, puncture of the lower lung, damage to the nervous system, to mention a few, if things go wrong badly I shall be in hospital for a bloody long time, now the GDT assures me that this will not happen but at the same time I have to be informed and aware of some of the major problems, actually since finding out just how new the proposed op is, I am no longer overly worried, well the GDT is going to be all fired up, he will want to impress the World and the locals, chance to climb large steps, so the GDT is going to right on the ball.he will give it his best shot, do his darnest. so for me that is really good news,

So that's about it.that brings you up todate, and that's about all I think I can stand today. I am so emotionally drained and stressed out that I am almost looking forward to the hospital, I'll be so drugged out that it'll let my brain rest,it's about here that I would read what I have written, but this time I can't, I will copy this e-mail to disk and it will become part of my journal, I shall read it again in a couple of days, it took a couple to read the note that I sent to John so I expect it to take the same with this one.I hate this piece of filth inside me, where the heck did it come from,dam thing, just when I thought that I would be able to slip plan 345 into place, that's the one where I buy a small unit and save for my retirement, ha back to the drawing board, it's so difficult to even make plans for when I come out of hospital, too many variables that I have to just kick into neutral and wait and see, that's enough for this time, say hello to David, hah he probably is spitting about his mad uncle using up all his printing paper, I'll phone you just before I send this just to make sure that I have all the address right, I'd better check to see if David has replied to my emails.Another email soon, say hello to all the kids, tons and tons of love. Your Brother, with love. Richard.

email to Terry 5/30/2001

It has been a while, and I wonder if you thought that I would never return? any way, I have a dreadful dose of the flue, and I was sitting in the sun reflecting on all the events since they first found the cancer in me, August the 10th, I collapsed at work and the ambulance was called to transport me to hospital, but I may have already been over that, what I thought that I would do, instead of sending you my journals, which by the way I suspect would take several hours to download, I thought that I would write about happenings since I first went into hospital, 5th.December 2000, nice Christmas present, most of my feelings, fears etc, are semi documented in the Email that I sent to my sister.

Since I last wrote I have been dropped in a deep hole, yes folks, there I was thinking to myself that I was pretty smart, I had , with the help of the GDT {Good Doctor Teng} defeated this filthy cancer, WRONG, smile, and I thought that I was just the ants pants.I was feeling so good, in fact I hadn't felt so good in many years, over Easter I went camping, I love camping, here in Australia we have such a big wide and beautiful night sky and I am unable to create a word picture that would give your reader a concise feel and atmospheric picture, I can not describe just how wonderful it is to sit with your back to a small camp fire keeping you warm and gazing at that sky, it is so clear that you feel it possible to actually touch those stars, I have seen the Mire Space station with not only binoculars, but with my naked eyes, I once counted 23 satellites in one session of about four hours, to wake up in a tent and hear all the critters making their way "home" before daylight, and then to wake up to a crisp air crackling morning, stamp the feet and cook breakfast whilst listening to morning song by all the birds.

So there I was feeling like the world and the gods had smiled benignly on me,God I felt so good.

The flowing week I was due to go in for an x-ray, mere formality, all of the x-ray staff, who by now, know me that's one of the plusses having a surname like mine, CHRISTMAS, everybody remembers, any way, I was spread out on the x-ray table chattering away, when one of the techno(I'll call him RAAF) came into the room and asked me if I were feeling any discomfort? No RAAF I am feeling like Bill Gates had just given me a few million dollars and told me to enjoy life, more x-rays and my anxiety level was already on the climb, in fact I distinctly recall breaking into a cold sweat, this wasn't part of the plan,RAAF came and asked me if I had been passing blood, No was my reply but it was a very quiet and timid reply,RAAF then proceeded to try and encourage me, sorry RAAF between your self,the nurse { whom I'll call darling as she always addresses me that way} the seeds of doubt were planted, both were trying to tell me that it looked as though I had developed kidney stones, more x-rays, damage done.

The GDT was informed and he immediately requested that I go to pathology and have some blood tests, another appointment was made for the following week, this time for a cat scan and urine samples were to be given,GDT insisted that I report to him as soon as the cat scan was done,RAAF and Darling pushed me up the list and I had to come back that week they didn't want me waiting until the following week, by now I was freaked out, Kidney stones be buggered, no such luxury, I knew.Anyway back for the cat scans with that horrible stuff that tastes like dead cat mixed with aniseed, YUK it is disgusting, then they injected some other stuff into me, I cant recall the name, makes the back of your mouth metallic and hot, you feel very warm in your crotch and I always want to pee,that taste lingers for quite a while, finally they let me up and tell me to come back and see the GDT next week. What a weekend. I was crushed and struggled to maintain some sort of composure. The thought NEVER leaves you alone, I become introverted and seek solitude within my self so that I can come to terms with this new threat, how dare it return, how could this rubbish return to haunt me, I was cured, I was free and could gradually start to return to some sort of normal life, god I had even started feeling secure enough to start planning my future again, and here it was, a weekend with my dreams and ambitions crushed and falling off me stripping bare of the dignity that I had carefully put back into place, I felt down,I was depressed and I was shattered.

I had to return,in my mind, to December, I had to recall all the details, what had we missed?, where had we gone wrong?, what had I done to make this return, all at the same time and I also had to maintain a casual "everything is OK attitude" to all the people around me, after all I could be wrong, even though I knew in my heart, I still could not tell others, the only person I hinted at that I had a MINOR problem, was to my sister, I had vowed never to with hold information about my condition again, and yet here I was doing just that, even that lie depressed me but (in my defence) before I informed my sister I wanted it confirmed.

Tuesday, a terrible dark and depressing day, I dragged myself into see the GDT, I didn't want to be there, I wanted to run away and dance in the sun, I wanted to sing and hold the people I love, I wanted so many things and not one of the things I wanted was in GDTs office.

The GDT is such a caring man, his empathy and feelings seem to know no boundary, "Sit down Richard, I can see by your face that you already know, Richard!, we will beat this, you are not to give up, you have to be strong and together we can and will rid this from your system, you will live to 84 and be a pest to all around you," How I wished I could believe his words, my world had fallen apart, I was struggling not to cry from self pity, from frustration, there were two trainee doctors in the office at the same time I can just remember looking at one of them and all the rest seemed so far away, I signed the release forms, was lead out to the Director of Nurses station, (Fiction name ) Kay and she was so gentle with me and she let me cry quietly in part of the office that is semi private, then she came and said "doesn't that feel better?" dam it Kay it did.

I spent a day going through all the pre-operation procedures, ECGS,Blood Tests,Pulse rate, questions, measured, weighed, prodded and gently poked, phycology test {smile folks I failed again] and then I was given instructions to report to hospital on Tuesday, this time the GDT assured me. No hold ups. full on treatment, off to Brisbane to had radiation treatment, back to Ipswich for Chemotherapy, and then all of that followed by a six week treatment of the B.C.G. all of that is to be inserted into me down the Nephrostomy tube.

The operation was the same as in December, it is actually quite ground breaking surgery, I am the first here in Australia and they also tell me that I am about the 20th in the world, bit of celebrity stuff. To explain, and remember that I am not a person versed in "DOCTOR SPEAK", they come out with all these long names that mean such little things, now, basically what happens, in the theatre, The GDT goes into my right-hand back just slightly above the kidney, then he inserts a tube and scrapes the two tumours that were still small but growing, then he proceeded to explore my insides and found another noodle in my bladder, it had not attached itself firmly so it was also removed, then the Nephrostomy tube is inserted, if you have never seen one of these things, it it such a surprise, I imagined a little small tube, heck no, this thing is about two and a half feet long and curls around inside, it goes from my back to my bladder. Off to the ward. God I know them all on 7A, well it's nice to see people you know, all of that was sort of hazy and even though the Anathisistist promised to take a photo of me, I rather think that the GDT over ruled my request, I did get two photos of me in recovery.OK so I have been here before, I recall all the pit falls, the bugs that I picked up, god one of the bugs was really something else, if you had sat a glass of milk on my belly while the bug took over, you could have made milk shakes, It was impossible for me to control my muscles, I had to have a nurse come and hold my hand and instruct me to take really deep breaths, when I had one attack, all my friends were visiting including Sonja the daughter, she actually offered to get the milk, I laughed and you should try to laugh when you have no control over muscles that are spasaming, that made me laugh even morre. any way, I recalled all the pit fall.

One of the pit falls. DO NOT TAKE ASPRO OR ASPRIN, I had a sore back, I had been released and had gone to one of the local shopping centres, a good place to pass the time away, shock horror feminists, I sit and admire all the "chicky babes" (I can see several of you having heart attack,get used to it, I believe in differences between the sexes and rejoice in them) I don't put people down, I instead treat them the way I would like to treated, however, there are certain differences that nobody will ever change until they start to clone us all, and then we will all loose. Back to the Aspro/Aspirin, NEVER EVER regardless of the pain take them, like I said my back was really hurting, good the tube and catheter were combining to make life miserable,OK I though, there is a chemist/drug store I shall go a purchase some mild pain relieve, so I explained to the lady behind the counter that I had a really back lower back pain, I failed to tell her about the operation, or about the bits and pieces hanging out of my body, didn't want to embarrassed myself ( how stupid was I ) after a while the pain eased and I remained fro some time then went back to where I was recuperating, some very very dear generous people, what didn't I stay with the daughter?, couldn't, they had just sold their house and were in the process of tendering out for a new home to be built, so back Andrew and Belinda's, yes that is their names.A more caring couple I could not wish to meet, they had no reason to open their home to me but they did, I am for ever indebted to them.well how about the aspro/aspirin you ask?, still feeling a bit uncomfortable I went to bed and took two more tablets. bloody fool but no one had warned me.

I wake at 6 in the morning, Habit,the bed was sticky and wet and I immediately thought," oh gosh the catheter has come apart and I have peed all over the bed, no such luck, Blood, Oh Christ!!!, instant panic, this is the person who remains in control?, catheter bag from the nephrostomy tube has been forced off the tube, my bladder catheter is full of dark blood,there is a long twisted blood clot protruding from the nephrostomy and exiting through my back, in panic I pulled it, I pulled about three foot blood clot out of my side,by now my lap is covered and I am realising what I need to do, I called Belinda pack the side with spare padding and off to hospital, clever me, I am still not fully in control and I manage to frighten Belinda before I can start reassuring her.Belinda was pregnant and I was freaking out, into emergency and straight into the care ward. Now I think that I have done enough today,there is a wealth of information to come and I will try to write it as I experienced it.

Having to start all over again has been a sever blow, I am still struggling, there is information that I have gathered which does not please me, I can't ask the question until they again remove the Nephrostomy (another operation) and insert a slightly larger one so the the irradiation Doctor can insert the radiation wire into me, that's all held up as I have a really good dose of the flue. chuckle.

In my next mail, I think I may recount a few more of the events that took place the first time in hospital, I was actually "saved" by a visitor, luckily mine and I shall recount that next. For now?

I love you all, never ever let a single day go by that you don't tell that to your closest,a HUG is worth all the treatment and pain as it makes you feel good I LOVE YOU Richard. By the way, if you feel like a cry, I am 59 and have recently learnt that it helps, and I am no chimp.

email to Terry 5/31/2001

today I wanted to tell you about the drama where I was "found" in a completely distressed and helpless position.I will, but first I want to tell you how I am feeling today, I think that the worse of the flu has passed, I slept for an incredible 15 hours last night, I did wake up a couple of times, nature demands that from all of us, but was back to bed and sleep. I wake each morning and the first thought is the cancer, what a way to sort the day, it is unavoidable, I have tried allsorts of suggestions so that I don't wake to that first thought, but everything that I have tried has failed, I don't want to learn to live with that, so I shall continue to try and find a solution. There is an "empty space" where my body should be, I some time feel that my brain and I are almost standing to one side looking back at myself,the only feelings that I seem to have in the space where my body belongs, are twinges and discomfort, the constant ache where the Nephrostomy tube passes through me, there is a small tap on the end of the plastic tube that comes from the Nephrostomy,it digs into my side occasionally, just to remind me, which I don't need,many thought clamour through the brain during the day, all competing for attention, all demanding that the brain individually sift through the information,I have a heightened awareness of what is going on and the brain is in survival mode, it is hard to calm the brain down, I occupy myself with little tasks, and even that is a challenge, the question pops up in the brain, WHY are doing this ?it is so frustrating. Kind meaning people offer advice and at first I was rude to them, "keep your ***** advice to your self you have no idea what I am going through" which is true, most people don't understand.Me included. I had a relationship with a lady about three years ago,she had breast cancer, when I was supporting her I had no idea what I should be doing, it was difficult and traumatic and we finally parted company, she is well and recovered,I only occasionally feel slightly guilty at parting with her, but there is more to that story,I wish I had known more, to any carers that may be reading. from experience from both sides of the fence all you have to do is simply BE there,don't make excuses for the patient, when they are hurting , gently hold them, when they feel like a cry sit with them,encourage at all times but that doesn't mean to excuse them,don't be frighten to let them know that you too are hurting and never ever let a day go past with out saying how much you care and love them.

Now back to the first time in hospital, you may recall that I was rushed into hospital when I took aspirin and all my blood clotted up, well whilst I was there, I was treated first of all for the blood clotting and then for the "milkshake" virus, well, I don't know much about hospitals as I have attempted to avoid them as much as possible, here in Australia they encourage you to get out of bed as soon as you feel able to, me I want to get out even before I get in, but I try to get out of bed as quickly as I can, now I wasn't about to go running a hundred metre sprint, but I could carefully walk to the shower, it meant dragging along the drips and such that was plugged into me, but just to stand in the shower and let the water wash over me is a joy, so there I was in the shower, water pouring over me, eyes closed and just enjoying the sensation, when Oh god, a sharp kick in the side,only a sharp breath taker, then it died, but then it came back with a determination to knock me down, was I in pain, in the shower there is a coat hanger and I managed to grasp onto that with both hands,there is also a Nurse button that if you should be in difficulties, you are supposed to press, I couldn't move, I was hanging on and feeling pain and was slowly reaching that point where it is a real possibility that I would pass out, it was then I opened my eyes and looked down, blood every where, made to look worse as I was in the shower and the water was spreading it, I yelled for help, I just hoped that I could be heard and I was, the door opened and there was my friends wife, I won't repeat her opening remark but it wasn't what might be deemed polite, chuckle, Lani went and informed the nurse,we all of us expect nurses to be strong,in control and positive, Gladies (fictional name) took one look and freaked out,the only thing she could say was "oh gosh" which under the circumstances was not what you may call helpful, Lani took control,"lets get him back into bed" which they between them, struggling to hold me upright on weakening knees and grappling with the drips and catheter bags did, I left a trail of blood from the shower to the bed, the nurse was still not in control and lani pressed the red Nurse Assist button and within 5 seconds there was a duty nurse at my side, she promptly assessed the situation, sent Gladys off for a break and called in another nurse to assist, the duty doctor was called, and I was treated, the following day I had a new Nephrostomy tube ordered, what had happened was a result of the Aspirin/Aspro incident, the Nephrostomy had burst free, it had been under stress any way, so this current problem had to settle down, and then a new nephrostomy was to be inserted. three days later I was allowed to go home, the home nurses were to come each and every day and monitor me, change the dressings, the following week back to hospital to get the new nephrostomy.

The thing that surprised me, was that when they changed the nephrostomy tube, you remain awake with only local anaesthetic, so it was interesting just listening to them chattering away while they took the "old" out and reinserted the "New", now I was supposed to have irradiation down the nephrostomy tube, but when they put the new one into me, there was a communication breakdown and they put the new one into a new site,it was pointless having radiation if the nephrostomy had been shifted, the whole point of the radiation was to treat the very site and the tube that the tumours had been withdrawn through, kill off any seeding, so the radiation doctor was not a happy little girl, in fact she was furious and I think that the team that had chattered away while replacing will also recall my name for some time,however, all results were pointing to a full a clean recovery, I was happy, I still had a kidney and every one involved were wreathed in delighted smiles.

Anyway, the nephrostomy was in and the B.C.G. treatments could begin, the BCG I have discovered, is in fact a live Virus, I believe it is a TB virus, now the way they treated me, the virus is pumped into me via the nephrostomy tube,it is a long and slow process, it just can't be whacked into you and the 200ml(?) took about an hour and a half, funny incident,the very first time it was administered to me, there was a Doctor and a nurse,again both of them lovely people, the Doctor has now transferred to another hospital, in fact I think I was his last patient at Ipswich,well as this had never been done before, large precautions were in place,purple garbage bags that denote live virus, one time suits, face masks, special gloves, bleach as this kills the virus was placed in a handy position, as I would have to pee after, the toilet bowl was treated with a strong dose of bleach, the timer pump set up, and the BCG bought into the room, this was being done on the ward as it was felt that there was more space while the first BCG was being administered and every one would learn,the drug was pumped into me, careful clean up took place, bed sheets removed, mattress taken away for washing with bleach, all of the items touched or used placard into the garbage bag and transported with escort to the designated disposal area, then the nurse returned."Have you taken a pee?" Yes,"How long ago?" about 15 minuets "Good, then I shall clean the toilet,"I know this nurse and have often chattered away in a friendly manner, she wears glasses and I know that she had only just purchased them 460 dollars if I recall correctly, yes folks, her efforts to be so careful were rewarded, her glasses slipped down her nose and "SPLASH" again I won't print what was said, but with out detail, the glasses were recovered from the toilet, whilst I struggled not to burst out laughing, and taken away for sterilisation and cleaning, she still wears the glasses and we chuckle about it now, she has even commented that I showed very good composure at the time, I must admit folks, when she had left the ward I was a complete gibbering mirth filled laughing fool,along with several other nurses who had come to see what the problem was.

After the nephrostomy tube was removed it was time for healing, I went back to hospital once after that, I developed a urine tract virus, most uncomfortable, my doctor tried to treat it and finally sent me back to hospital,they had left a stent (?) inside me, it was there for a reason, they decided to remove it and assist with clearing the viral infection. Into day surgery,it was here that the majority of the BCGs had been administered, again I seemed to know all of them, actually that is not so bad,I treated as friend and not so much as a patient, so my name does have its pluses,just a local anaesthetic and I watch on a TV screen while they insert a camera into my penis, pass the bladder and there is the Stent, another piece of equipment like miniature tongs are inserted down a passage inside the camera, and carefully they latch onto the stent,now what goes in at some stage has to come out, it is very uncomfortable when the camera is inserted, the penis was never designed to have items going up it, only coming out,but I am here to tell you that when they pulled that sucker out of me, I did more than grit my teeth, a few unprintable words were uttered and the GDT, much to his credit said "Now don't you have a good command of the English Language" chuckle, but it is a most uncomfortable experience, I was sore for several days, I don't know which was worse the urine tract virus or the tenderness cause by the withdrawal.

That was it folks, yes every body was happy, my local Doctor whom I call DCS, made me report to him weekly, the home nurses checked on me too for a couple of weeks, chest x-rays were clear, I have learnt that kidney cancer can show up again in the Lungs, unusual, but the DCS read the passage out of the Medical journal, he wanted me to know why hw was sending me for a chest x-ray, all indications were pointing towards a complete recovery,I was thinking to myself, God how lucky am I,my spirit started to rise out of the horrible dark place I had been in for the last six months, I felt great, my camping trip, and then a reality check. Enough today, I tire easily, I am still fighting this flu, and the cancer is still there. Remember I love you all, I say that with all the sincerity I can muster,even on your worse days remember that there are many of us out here and we all of us care and send our love. Hug some one Richard

11/26/01 Update

I have been struggling, not quite understanding why I am at this time unable to fill you in on what has taken place to me since I last wrote, the trouble is that, I want to reach back into the past and place the experience before you, all neat and packaged up tidy and readable, but I have a problem with that, the present is invading me, this one has struck me much like a terrorist attack and I was totally unprepared.

Let me explain a few things, my Doctor, ( I have adopted him !.chuckle ) the Good Doctor Teng whom I refer to as the GDT, has informed me that the operation (number two) was a success, I have only one Kidney which sort of made it awkward to operate on and save, just to refresh your memory I had a pioneering operation, I am told that I was about the twentieth person in the world to have this procedure done, so if there is any one kidney cancer person who is reading this and has been told that the only option is the removal and then dialysis, you go back to your Doctor/surgeon and tell them to do a bit of homework, your kidney can be saved and the tumor can be removed, you can tell them to contact my Doctor, that's Doctor H.S.Teng at the Saint Andrews hospital in Ipswich Queensland Australia,but I am preaching, sorry.

The GDT has seen me through the lot, chemo, radiation stents, Nephrostomy tubes, etc, I've been prodded, pulled and poked, blood tests, urine tests samples of this that and the other, through it all the GDT has been there as not just my doctor but he has become almost a father like figure to me, to say that I trust him is for me a massive vote of confidence as there are very few people that I can point to and say I really trust this person, the GDT I trust., when the GDT told me that to all accounts and purposes "we" have saved the kidney, I believe and trust him, when the GDT told me that "we had removed the cancer from the kidney, I believe and trust him, when the GDt told me that I now have to start to recover and exercise,get fit as the battle is not over yet, I believe and trust him,that the major part is completed and that I can now move forward, again I trust him.

When the GDT told me all this, you would expect that I would immediately feel a sense of joy, maybe an overwhelming feeling of euphoria, happiness, you may expect me to turn cartwheels and dance around the waiting room at the hospital, even to burst into sudden bouts of uncontrollable laughter, breakout into song, maybe crack a few ribald jokes and kiss a few unsuspecting people, why then did the opposite happen?.

Why did I plunge into a deep abyss of despair,why did the sky fall in on me and a terrible sadness take over, why was I unable to stop crying, why was the fear so all engulfing, why was the fear so great that I crawled shaken stunned and scared into a small grey cold room inside my brain and wanted to hide there from the world, GOD what was happening to me, I couldn't understand all this and it scared me even more to realize that this had no real reason, made no sense,, I had reason to celebrate, what reason to feel so terribly alone and frightened. for two whole weeks I fought this on my own, I was too scared to admit it to even my G.P.

For two weeks I suffered for no reason, it was complete madness,

Question, was I going insane ?

Finally I was so overcome by the depression that I was forced to take action, I went to a clinic and asked for assistance and asked to speak to a counsellor, by coincidence the counsellor assessor was standing at the reception desk, she took one look at me and whisked me straight into her office, me I just fell apart at every seam, I could no longer pretend at any sort of control and broke down and cried my heart out, it was the best thing that I could have done, forget pride and being a strong male etc, I bloody well cried and the gates opened up inside of me, all the fear and frustrations fought each other, and I still had no understanding what was happening to me.

The following day I went and saw my G.P., Doctor Charles Stevenson, he also took one look and said "you are deeply depressed " I had only walked into his office and barely finished saying good morning, he quizzed me about a few things and as always checked me over, then prescribed some anti-depressant tablets, he explained the side effects and told me to come at anytime, but that I was to report back with out fail in two weeks time.

I was still deeply depressed, I am not a person that takes any medication lightly, I will seek alternatives if they are available, and in my case they were, natural and available with out the side effects, so what if they don't work, at least I will have tried for the alternative and I had in my possession the prescribed medication.

Now I have to stop here for a while and will return later.but I want to get this off, I have a feeling that I want this out there for I have discovered that what I am going through is not unusual, in fact many people go through exactly what I am going through right now, and yet no one warned me, no one told me to be careful to be aware that I may fall into a depression when a major hurdle is over, since I have started counselling I have talked to a home visiting cancer care person, Dieter, when we spoke he reassured me that I wasn't loosing my mind, wasn't a fool and that he too had been through this, then why didn't any one tell me?, why was I allowed to reach such a sorry, sad place.

I wish that I had the words to be able to describe exactly how you feel, but the word picture seems to be just out of my reach, you dear reader will just have to try and imagine.

Every minute seems like an hour, I used to hear that expression and wonder what the heck that really meant,I now have a pretty good idea, each moment seemed to go on for ever, it was difficult to even think what to do the very next minute let alone try and organize a whole day, I woke in thew morning and stayed in bed wondering what I was supposed to be doing, I had to really force myself to shower and dress, and to try a recall the simplest of tasks !, forget it, I was doing things and then would stop and try and recall why I was doing them, I drove to a shopping center and purchased $385.00 worth of goods and then left them in the car park and even now I have no dear what I purchased. that was the day I realized that I had a serious problem.

I have told you about how I pictured myself in the grey blue room, me naked frightened and cold cringing on the floor, scared to walk to the door of that room ( which is imprinted upon my brain ) and open the door, which I knew was unlocked, and walk out into the sunlight, well I was walking around in public feeling that I really wasn't there and that in fact I was safely hidden away in that blue grey room, I just didn't want to escape although in reality, I wasn't a prisoner and there was nothing to escape from,so why was I scared ?, what was it that I was so frightened of ?.

I feel that I am some where about two thirds of the way through this nightmare, I am still having to fight at times, and fight really hard, even now there is a massive lack of motivation, the simplest of things can cause me to cringe and shy away from minor problems, the fortunate thing is that I am now fully aware and am able to put some sort of control, now I will be the first to admit that the control is certainly only a minor control, but anything is more desirable than the horror of being so frightened. and no I still am unable to answer the question, "what are you frightened of?"

Some of the advise that the counsellor and Dieter have given me included things like, sit down and write a plan for the day, it matters not what you plan to do, but what ever you plan make sure that you complete that task. I sat down with a piece of paper and struggled to write down one thing, so I just wrote what ever came into my head, I wrote three times that I had to wash my car, but that aside, it was excellent advice, and after a couple of days I started to find that the list slowly increased in size and sense.

During the counselling, Shared experience web site came up, I must have mention it a couple of times because the counsellor told me that quote "You have unfinished business there, go back and complete that venture", I am glad that I have revisited here, just writing this all down, which by the way has taken me a couple of sessions to get this far, has been really therapeutic for me, I had a reasonable day today, I still find that I have to work at my concentration and awareness, but this has been helpful just to sit and read what I have written is also making me aware of myself. It was me that lost myself and I am finding me again.

Now this is enough for this time, I still want to return to share what I went through the second time around,as that too was kinda scary, well, it was pretty crushing, I was feeling so full of myself and telling myself that I was darn good at beating this cancer stuff, and boy oh boy was I feeling like I was one smart SOB, when they discovered the cancer was rebuilding the tumor plus a couple of extra ones to go with it.Sort of took the wind out of my sails. but I will go back and extract parts out of my journals and put them all together.

No I am not safely home, there is a more than good chance that I shall develop bowel cancer, the GDT has already warned me this time, the GDT had to remove a couple of minor "shadows" from my bowel when I went into the operating theater last time, so yes I am aware of that possibility, but the depth of the depression was something that I least expected, like I said I should have been delighted that my kidney was safe and that dialyses was no longer a threat.

I can only hope that, as disjointed as this is, that somehow it may help someone.

To all of you, I send my love, I hope and pray that your God will watch over you, fill you with love for the ones who try to care for you, and keep you safe

love Richard